Well it not quite one whole year and thing are looking a little out of sorts. I now feel a little bit cockeyed. I now find that my bras do not fit right at all one fit. I feel like my body is turning towards the left. Why is that well after radiation treatment you tend to lose a little a little bit of you boob because the radiation heats the fat and firms the boob so now I have one that is 44DD and the other is 40DD so to correct this I feel I have to get to bars and sew them together or get a boob job done so today I made appointment to see plastic surgeon. I happy with that I don't know if it is to early or if they will do both or one but I hope what ever they can do will be better in the long run so I can relieve the pain I have in my neck and shoulders. I haven't been able to work for the last couple of days, because the pain is so bad. I will see him on later next year but, I will be so happy to be able to see my toes when I stand up.

So I have been setting at home and finding some things to do. I go out for coffee a least once a week. And I also have been seeing my new friends that I have meet in Calgary. I been think of religion and how it plays in our lives. I believe in God but I not a church goer. I believe that I don't have to attend church to know that there is a God. Nor do I need to go to church to to say this what I believe. But I like the thought of going to meet new people and meet new friends but, I also do not like the thought of meet those so righteous people that they sit there and preach the Gospel of Christ to you. So maybe this why I do not attend church either. What ever the reason I just been thinking of it. I guess maybe to make sure that I enter in heavens gates when I die. To know I have spot in heaven after all I am aging and I not getting any younger. Anyway is there any church out there that I totally believe in. Where I might think they stand and they pray to little. I s there a church that I would believe in one hundred percent of the way and never straying away from it? I don't think so, I believe that every church out there has it people that attend and say this not right but I am a follower so there for I will trust in my church not do me wrong. Then once you go how do you know that you are going to the right church with so much religion in the world and every church believing there is only one way in to heaven and it is there way? I guess the best thing to do is do is o what is right and believe that God loves with out conditions and he forgives those that ask for forgiveness of their sin. Then God loves each and everyone of us. This what I been taught so then why should I have to to church to prove it? I guess it what ever makes us happy. So then why I have I been thinking of religion it actually because of someone I meet while I was in Calgary have treatments. Because of this person got a death sentence she was telling me how she never went to church of years how she strayed from her church and now wondering the importance of it. Wondering if it was to late for her because she never attended church. I said to her you are good at heart you have never done any thing that God can not forgive you for. He is loving God and with that I said you should know that the door will always be open to you. Believe in Good and you believe in God. What do you think?

How to stop Caring

Since I got home, my mother and younger sister are on the outs with me. I have been on the outs with them as well, since I could not deal with them. I know that they both lost their husbands last year, at this time and are going through the rough times. And they are still grieving and I am finding all the happiness I can in the world. I looking for colours and finding the the flowers and finding the joy in life, while they are still in the mud.
Being on two different spectrum s of life. One wishing all the best that life can give them, and the others wondering who is to blame for all there sadness, pain, and sorrow. dusting themselves off only to find more mud.
My sister said to me, She would rather that have the cancer . I said," that is just stupid who ever wished that they had cancer"? Not anyone I can think of. I believe that since my brother-in -law died. I have lost my sister. Not really but she trying to erase her old self. She has changed her name, lost so much weight the a size 0 doesn't even fit her.Brags that she only eats about 4 Tbs of food for a meal. She doesn't speak to her son and clings to the simple thought that she needs a man. That a man is the only thing that will make her life better. And there is nothing wrong with the way she lives her life right. Right
What they are not getting is . In order to be happy it comes from the inside of each and everyone of us. I can not give you happiness. And you can not give me happiness. Happiness cames of the inside out. It is not things such homes, cars and money. Having to put someone down to make yourself feel better, or having to make yourself to be something you are not. It's about laughing at yourself, loving your imperfections, and learning to have fun rather then to be poking fun at someone else. It's about finding love with in you. Happiness is how we treat ourselves if we love ourselves then we can love unconditionally. Once we have true happiness then we treat each other with respect,dignity,and compassion.
My mother and sister have yet to figure that out and until they do they will not get where I am at. I am happy I would be a lot more happier if we could all get long as family but that has not happened in the last 48 years of my life so, and till they get it it will be a dream. And they refuse to get the help they need to get there. And they refuse all help.
Seems like I waisted a lot of time and energy trying to get them to that point. So, how do I stop caring does anyone have answer how does one just stop caring? Now there is a book.

All done and back home

I am done, I have been done for the last two days. I sleep a lot and I am sore and raw and very pink to red. I am very sore underneath my arm. I was thinking of some the wonderful people I have met while I was in cow town. I was mad and frustrated when I first arrived there and by the second week upset that I had to be there by the third I thought I will make lasting impressions and I did. I have meet some wonderful people who now I call my friends and to John a man who has give me more advice in those few short weeks then my dad did in life time. God love him, We are strong people and now understand the importance of life, we care and we learn really fast how to let the small stuff the go I have changed I am stronger and I am more caring, I really do stop and smell the flowers. Life is beautiful we sometimes have stop and realize what is important to us.

So, now that I am on Week number 6 I am feeling it. I am very pink and sore underneath my breast. It is raw and there is a few tiny spots that are smart the sting. I am just wondering if they will continue treatment or will they send me home? I guess I will find out. I cant seem to wear a bra because I am in so much pain from swelling. Now the good news I have the experience of living away from home I hated the first week felt like hell and the second week was just a little bit better but not much better. Third week meet a lot of people and we now have a pup night. So we have a little more to look forward too. I just wondering how the trip to cow town will be today as that movement while in the car ouch. Well I guess I will let you know if I stay or go.

Starting week number four today, My mom is taking me Calgary to give Allan a brake. So, I will miss dearly. I start to get water build up in the left breast and it is tender and sore this is normal. So , I guess things are happening as normal. Tuesday is an important day for me because I will learn about foods that can help me heal and foods I should stay away from. I will also lean how to more active in my daily life. I just would like the treatments to end and I get my life back to normal. Anyways with two more weeks to go I guess it it will come sooner than I think. Anyways off to the shower and finish packing and off I go again this sucks.

Well I am on my way back to Cow town. The weekends are way to short,Sleep most of Friday nights away then, Saturday shopping and get things done, Sunday try to rest and Sunday night pack and back on Monday to cow town 4 more weeks to go. I know that I sure will be glad when it all over and done with.

Well hump day is here and the week is going well. Weekend are like get out of jail free card. Short lived but, nice to get away. Anyways getting pinker and feeling the heat. I could almost warm my own cup of coffee up, with out the use of mirco and ways that is how it going

Sunday evening, and I just trying to get emotionally ready to head back to Calgary. I hope that this week goes better than the last I sure hope so. I seem to be getting tried a little more easier. I can't seem to keep my eyes open for a long time. At least my breast is not burning to day, but I am sure after this next week it will. Any ways my eyes are falling I need to lie down.

Hell Week is over

The very first week of hell week is over thank God. I got my room changed I don't know if that will help. I am no longer by the elevator so I might get a good nights sleep next week and because they changed my room there may be more room in the fridge. We share one fridge to 12 people. So not a lot a room I was lucky I was able to have a water bottle in the fridge and no food. Unless I went to cafeteria cost 9.oo for a bowl of soup chocolate milk small and a sandwich. I realize I can not do this at every meal. So, next week I will bring my own bedding and radio and try to make my self at home. I guess thats the hardest part trying to make your self at home. They charge you for the weekends if you leave even a hanger in the closet and it yours. Rule do not leave anything in the room are you staying in are you will be charged for the weekends. So, I would of liked to bring my own fridge not alowed unless I want to be charged for the extra stay on the weekends.
It even gets better if and I like to take the shuttle up to Calgary I have to bring only one suit case and one bag. So, Becasue I need so much to make myself comfertable I get Allan to drive me back and forth. What else are you going to do? What do you do? What would you do?

Its going

Well started my treatment and two days in to it. My breast is already turning red. Look like a mild case of sun burn. Oh it will get much redder that this I know. I have meet and seen a lot of people much worse of then myself. I guess that is suppose to make me feel better but, some how not. I do not want it to return and I have said that before cancer free for 8 years and it came back. Next time it will be worse a whole lot worse and don't want it to come back. I see it here. But for now they say I am lucky so I will except it for now and tomorrow. I have to take it one day at a time that is all I can do. The place I am staying not not so bad as the room goes. Single sheets on a double bed so, they come off the bed every time you roll. No fridge or microwave in the room so, you have to go down the hall if you want to have those appliances. Restaurants here are expensive and the food can be good. Sounds like I complaining. Not really it just how life is here right now. No smells of home made soups in the air. Lots of hand sanitizers, the week will go fast. I got TV in our room no remote, and no lamp shade on my lamp. The bed has a nice head board and the place is clean. Next week I'll take some pics of the room and paste them on line. Doing okay just a big count down that is all there is to do right now is count down till the weekend.

On my way

Well I got the phone call today around lunch while I as out having a coffee. I spent at least 3 hours on the phone making arrangements bus, housing, doctors, ei, and not mention family and friends it crazy. Any ways I hope to keep you all posted with my life in Calgary and hope all goes well.